Hello there! I trust that you’ve all been great, and here’s a quick recap on last time’s article about Eight Things To Do If You’re Stuck With A Selfish Partner, in case you missed it :). So today we will look at the reasons why it’s difficult to leave a toxic relationship, and how to leave, when you finally gather up what’s needed so to speak. I may get a bit in my feelings because, well, once again, this is a rather personal topic for me, so buckle up!
1-The main reason why it’s so difficult to leave a toxic relationship is the toxic partner’s chameleon-like ability to change their behavior as it suits them, and because at their best, they seem like the best humans ever, nursing you and caring for you like no one has ever seen- and especially in public, but this is only so that they can tear you down mercilessly in private. They are extremely charming in public, or at least around people they hold in high esteem, or people who it serves their interests to show their good side like your family and friends, and sometimes their family and friends as well.
2- They know when to compliment you and treat you like a bag of diamonds, but this is only ever in a ratio just enough to keep you hanging on through the punishment, because sometimes he/she is so very good to you.
3-They need you in earnest, but not for the best reasons, rather to abuse you and grow big on your powerlessness and weakness. This makes them look honest and very believable when they are on their knees begging for just one last chance because they swear they will change, and they do, just long enough to get you comfortable again so that the abuse can start again in earnest.
4-They do not like it when you get joy or relief from anything or anyone other than them. They make this look like it’s because they are trying so hard to be everything you need, while in fact they want you to not have any escape when they are tearing you down; it’s so much better when you have nowhere and no one to turn to but them.
5-They are extremely comfortable that you won’t ever leave, and this confidence mistakenly reads as strength; in that they’re sure that they’ve done everything and worked really hard to keep you by their side so they know that no one can ever snatch you away as you’re well cared for, but the real reason they know you won’t leave is because they’ve already broken your wings and torn down your self esteem.
At this point, who would want you- broken, jealous, failing, small-minded, silly, and miserable at everything as you are? You would be dumb to leave because they’re good to you and treat you like a human being (sometimes). This is the rope they keep you tethered to; and the greatest reason why it’s difficult to leave.
So now that we realize the manipulative ways of a toxic partner, it gets a bit easier to work on an exit strategy keeping in mind that they really need you to stay with them; without you, who would they hurt and mistreat in order to feel better about their sick selves?
How To Leave
1-Cut all emotional ties with them. This should be the very first step because as long as you feel feeling when they cry and/or make puppy eyes at you, you’re going nowhere so take as long as is possible to get this done. Try your very best to rise above their coercion and the guilt trips they love to take you on, and you have a chance at removing yourself from this mental hell of a relationship.
2-Understand that they don’t see you as a human being, but rather an object to sate their strange appetites and bizarre power plays, so as long as you help them by buying into their lies of loving you, and needing you, it will get worse for you. You have lived for a really long time without their input in your life anyway, right? So why now does it feel as if you won’t survive if you leave? Fix your esteem, and your priorities, and walk out.
3-Be sure to seal all avenues they may use to keep bothering you once you leave i.e. block them from your social accounts and separate yourself from any common places you may frequent both virtually and in the real world. Tell your friends and family of your intentions, and have them know that despite their good intentions, it is already a done deal so they can save their mediations for another crisis. By the time you get to this point, be sure what you want, because getting halfway through the process of leaving then going back only serves to affirm the belief that you will never leave, and so you invariably strengthen the already terrible activities going on in the relationship.
4-Know that they earnestly need you to stay with them so they will be very convincing when begging you to stay, like they would die without you. They only really need you so that they can use you, though, like I keep saying. This is not a case of ‘real love’ but one of unhealthy obsession where one is a victim of the other, and there is really no excuse for this.
5-Take care as they may turn feral when they realize that they cannot keep you hooked by using your feelings and emotions against you, and decide to use physical force because like I said above, they need you. Keep in mind also that it is never wise to taunt someone and then lie next to them all night long.
If you have ascertained that indeed they are a problem, then save yourself and leave, or sacrifice yourself and try to fix them, these are the only two choices that exist here. Like a lot of therapists and psychologists know too well, anyone can be helped to change for the better, but they have to first admit that there is a problem so that it can be solved, otherwise you’re flogging the dead one. When you are sure that they have a problem and it is causing you undue stress, make the right choice, and of course also make sure that you are not actually the one with a problem and reflecting it on your partner as we all too often tend to do.
While it is never an easy task to leave someone that you have been together with for a reasonable length of time and have started to build some foundation together, sometimes the road ahead is longer than that already covered so it is better to take a deep breath, and sever those developing bonds, if only to save your sanity or even your life in the long run. Until next time, keep it foxxy!!