Hello all and welcome back!! I hope you missed me as I missed you all…. Read my last blog over here, about my new year’s half-hearted resolutions. So today I woke up feeling feelings, and this title came to my mind and I decided to write a post about it; read it and let me know if you also feel feelings every now and then and help me try figure out what did I ever see in him 😉
Everyone knows that relationships are work, sometimes I wonder why people just volunteer to get into this grind for no pay whatsoever, but before I digress, let’s get into it. One day about a month ago we had a fight, those nasty fights you have ‘secretly’ in public and have to keep switching between angry and cordial til the fighting mood just goes because it’s not getting the sort of space it needs to really get rolling….
In a moment of gritted teeth anger, I thought to myself what on earth I had ever seen in him. If I had had a chance to say it out loud I most probably would have, so thank God for little mercies and inconveniences (maybe) because that would have spiraled into something worse. So anyway because I was now forced to internalize everything, I really thought about that statement, and the repercussions of saying it out loud, and most importantly, if I really meant it.
Through my red film of anger it was totally justified, and so I held on to that line for a while, but then the red dissipated and I was my rational self again. Of course I knew what I had seen in him in the beginning, and what I had kept seeing to stay through one kid, and another one, so then I must have forgotten.
We had had another protracted fight the day before so the remnants of the anger were there, and maybe that was the reason this day’s scarring felt so raw.
I started to remember, bit by bit. It was a little bit of many things that I had seen in him in the start. It is said that new love comes with mandatory rose-colored glasses, so maybe looking through them had kept me from seeing the other traits that I now hated so much and that would not allow me to see again what I had seen before.
So I wondered now where the balance lies, between the rosy hues of new love and the dark shades of an old relationship because there has to be that sweet spot that keeps couples going well into their silver, gold, and diamond anniversaries. Was there a way to find it, or did it occur naturally like oxygen? Do you have to get to both ends of bitter and sweet in order to reach it, and experience all aspects of your relationships? Because, to say the truth, we do have good days, though not as common as the earlier days, but what equation must we use to come to an agreement where most days are neutral at worst, not all-out dark and miserable?
There are so many times I’ve considered walking away, and so it’s only rational to assume there’s something that keeps me stalling. What is it though, and how to magnify it to the point it covers the bad days sufficiently?
I think that the answer is simple in theory, but complex in practice, and one part of it is just that you need to pull together. If each of us carries their weight in the relationship, over time we will have enough strength to actually help the other one with theirs on those dark days when it’s all you can do to keep breathing. The other part is to always keep the lines of communication open, and never let your partner feel as though they are shut out of your life and you are becoming strangers again. You need to actively let them know that you’re listening, and as hard as it is, it gets easier once you make it a habit- after all, none of us were born knowing how to walk from the first day, nor having the strength to do so. The last bit is to always remember what you saw in each other, have games or activities to keep that memory alive, because if you give the darkness enough space, it will blind you to whatever it was you loved about each other in the first place, and then you will find yourselves scrambling for the divorce lawyers so you can get the biggest piece. My two cents on divorce are not extreme or anything, but if you courted for at least four years before taking the plunge, I don’t understand what you may have missed to see about your partner in that time that you will see after getting married, and that will drive you to get divorced. The rural economist in me argues that the costs of a wedding, moving in together and building a common life then adding a divorce later on (especially with children involved) is tantamount to a very poorly thought out investment.
So take the time to know your partner, let yourself feel the feelings as raw as they are while it’s still okay to break up and make up or split and walk away for good. Go through the good and the bad and the ugly, and sit by yourself in a sensory deprivation chamber (if you can find/afford one) and really think about your partner. Can you live with them? How will it feel? Can you live without them? How will this conversely feel? Which of the two scenarios appeal better to you? Ask yourself real questions and give yourself real answers, because this is the only way you will arrive at a viable conclusion that is worth your while.
Make sure that your reasons for being in relationships are not selfish because if you are only in it to get something out, you will invariably be disappointed. This is not to say that you should expect nothing at the end of the day, but rather that you should be whole, happy, and totally dependent on your own before getting yoked to someone because they seem to offer something you are deficient of. You should seek to be adequate so that when an equally adequate partner comes along, neither of you feels like they are putting in more than they are getting out, and consequently the two of you ideally become a greater force of good when together; much greater than each was on their own.
When all is said and done, thoroughly evaluate your needs in your relationships, and your compromise and sacrifice and the benefits you are getting. This is because you are the only one who will be the best judge of your life and what you want in it and when all is said and done, relationships are a form of a happiness pursuit so what’s the point if you’re constantly sad, annoyed, and angry? Take a lot of care not to end up desperately wishing for a way out and resorting to terrible measures to get yourself free of this human being with whom you now have so much tangles that it would be a poor decision in general to split up with. Stay safe, and stay whole, and til next time, keep it foxxy!