Let’s just be real for a second here; sometimes a relationship gets so bad that you are at pains not to commit homicide and such; and in worse cases it gets to a point even beyond that, when you feel you have to hold your whole being tight to keep yourself from imploding or exploding.
In moments like these, it is sensible to take a step back from your union and view it with some objectivity.
Do you walk away, and throw out all those years/months/weeks/seconds haha whatever time you spent working on this thing?
Do you craft a plot for revenge so thick it’s bursting at the seams; like one that is doing the rounds on social media of a certain ‘Mama Racheal’?
Do you stay and ‘fight for your relationship’ as we are told by society any sensible woman should do?
Or do you take the situation as it presents itself, and turn it into a profit for yourself?
Let us analyse below the various pitfalls you may encounter in your relationship to turn nice, sweet you into an unrepentant b-word of the worst variety, and how you can best try to avoid becoming sour and salty as hell by analysing the four questions I have asked above.
I start with this one that should probably be last owing to the weight it carries, but let’s just get it out of the way. If he cheats once, it will be to your discretion to forgive him even though there’s a good chance he will do it again.
He might have been inebriated, or under the powerful influence of lust coupled with crappy friends and females of loose morals; generally a recipe for disaster. Whatever the case, moving on might leave you wondering about what could have been while forgiving him may give him the balls to do it again.
How he acts after the event might give you a preview of the future because if he seems not too affected by his misdeeds, he probably does not think it is a bad thing he is doing and he will naturally take the next opportunity that presents itself.
If he cheats a second time, I would advice you to leave physically, or mentally, or emotionally or all three because that’s just who he is and I am yet to meet a woman who gets off on being cheated on, although these are strange times we are living in…….
Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire
If you are like me in that you very rarely lie especially to the people in your inner circles, then random lies from your guy will irritate you like smoke in the eyes and in both cases you can only stay in the situation for so long before getting overwhelmed.
My solution? Try talking to him and explaining to him in terms that a five year old would understand; use diagrams if necessary. Let him know the lies are getting in the way of something potentially wonderful, ask him how you can help him to stop, and do your very best to assist. If willing or able, see a professional and sort it out. If it persists and you cannot stand it, well….
As the mother of a boy, I have the idea that I will have a hard time letting my well-raised and all-rounded son (God-willing) just go off to be with a woman whom I feel is not worthy of his awesomeness. However, I will make my very best effort to let him have a life and make his own decisions as it is foolhardy to imagine that I can control all his actions.
Kudos to him if he feels that he still loves and values me enough to want to spend time with me; willingly. Otherwise, I will hopefully have businesses to run, hobbies to work on, and places to travel to that will keep me busy enough that I do not become a meddlesome mother-in-law.
I have to say it sucks meeting a guy you like/love only to realize that his mother has him by his bootstraps; dates will get cancelled immediately she calls and travel plans shelved whenever she has some whim. It may be beyond her control to let her son go but it is entirely up to him to put his foot down and set the boundaries as it takes two to tango after all.
Of all the ills, this one is the most stubborn because he has to enojy her control over him to keep letting her have her way even if he claims he is doing so to keep the peace. He cannot entirely ignore her; neither should he, and he will always love her more than you, but there has to be a line somewhere and he is the one to draw it.
Get ready to leave if he cannot or will not shake her off soon because after you two get married it can only get worse; the moment you exchange those vows with a momma’s boy then you also swear to have her by your side til death do you part.
In-Laws To-Be, From Hell
For some reason or other, the majority of in-laws feel like they are in direct competition with you and will take every chance they can to prove their dominance. This leads to a headache of a relationship but as is the case with the mommy’s boy, it is up the guy to draw the necessary lines and stick to his guns defending his family. If he leaves you to battle it out with them with no input, just know you have an uphill task of fighting til the last day, and ask yourself if you are up to this task.
Is she still texting him sweet nothing, or innocently ‘just checking up on him’? This is no good because sooner or later he’s bound to fall headfirst into her honeypot, after all he has been there before and if you fight and he needs some comfort, guess where he will find it.
Let him know your days are numbered if he won’t choose between them and you once and for all because friendship aside, why are they still hanging around in the background, hhmmm? Same way you save some money for a rainy day and spend the rest, he is also probably saving them for a rainy day.
This also applies to you; you know that ex that forwards you all those funny things on telegram and whatsapp, and every so often tells you how he misses you, letting a heart-eyes or kiss emoji slip in the mix? Is there any promise that when you are at the worst point of your relationship you won’t go running into his arms, and fall into his bed? Let not the kettle be calling the pot black; clean up your act and tell him to come up to the standard that you have set.
This hurts my head just thinking about it. why does a man who has not raised you to the point you have grown to feel the need to tell you where your hem should reach? Why should he demand you hand over your payslip every end-month, and tag along to every event you attend, cross-examining your friends – the female friends no less?
A healthy relationship is founded on trust and if he cannot trust you to be a decent and mature human being, what can he trust you to do and what exactly does he want you for, ask yourself. Slavery was deemed unethical for a reason, and even our creator gave us free-will to do as we may so if he feels he needs to be withing earshot of every single call you make and receive then a disaster is brewing.
This need to control one’s spouse arises from issues of low self-esteem, and over time this individual will have exhausted patience to keep looking after you and resign to the imaginary fact that you will leave eventually, or you are cheating on him, so he will start cheating in order to one-up you.
Physical abuse will grow from mental and spiritual abuse and honestly my friend, what are you still doing with him? He may mistreat you in front of family or friends to prove some silly point and will despise your loved ones as well, so the best thing you can do for him is to leave him, and give him the contacts of an institution that can give him the help he clearly needs.
Your man is not supposed to be your ATM, get your own money, woman! But if every time you need some quick cash to sort some bills, or buy something important, or make a much needed investment then it’s always excuses, let him know in no uncertain terms that you would love it if he supported you more. As long as you’re not digging him for gold, this is a perfectly sensible expectation to have of the person in your life unless you’re loaded and money ain’t a thing.
So this is a bit tricky, because like I said above you should get your own money. Also, a man cannot have his worth as a human being measured by his bank’s contents. I however take issue with openly getting the tab or paying for groceries or rent while in a relationship, to the extent that if I am the one paying up, I always give him the cash well in advance and out of peoples’ sight so he can sort the expense on my tab.
The same way society expects women to be natural caregivers and raise their children with love and patience, it is only fair to expect men to be natural providers and protectors. What compounds this issue is if he is not making an effort to get out of his current situation.
You alone can tell what needs you want met by him and how much you are willing to compromise so if his poverty becomes too much to bear, do yourselves both a favour and leave, because nothing is as terrible as a loaded woman nitpicking on her man because he’s broke in her eyes.
Join me next time my dears, for the analysis of the options you have in case of any or all (gasp!) of the scenarios I have listed above and the consequences of each of them and til then, stay foxxy!