Though it starts out dark and gloomy, read through to the end, I promise that the budget has not affected the light at the end of the tunnel, it’s still on
So here goes, be sure to subscribe to my blog for more posts delivered directly to your inbox and comment below on whether I’m wrong, or right, or missed something vital, or you’re hungry etc ….
So; you’re new in your relationship, all lovey dovey in your honeymoon phase and painting all your friends green with envy when suddenly, a burst pipe. Was that a text you saw from a rather familiar/suspicious looking number? Did your partner seem shady about that phone call, right before they strolled outside to finish it- then they came back to tell you not to read too much into it? Does your gut just feel like something is up but you can’t quite put a finger on it? The icing on the cake of course is when you find out that something really was up all along, but you were too loved up to see it for what it was. Sometimes you’re in luck, though, and it’s just your past hurt tripping unnecessary wires all over, in which case, may the odds ever be in your favor.
Now that you’re at the bridge, do you cross it and try to pick the pieces on the other side, or do you just burn the mutha down? I wrote here about what getting cheated on does to you, and to be honest, it sucks. Regardless of the billions of different reasons/excuses/scenarios that set one up to cheat, it still hurts, so if you catch your partner at it, you will never be able to look at them the same way ever again. I read somewhere online that the damage of a lover’s betrayal comes from picturing them with someone else over and over again, and you become disgusted with yourself because it makes you feel like you weren’t good enough for them.
Even if they’re your sole provider, you often feel hard-pressed to leave the crap union you were in altogether, but more often than not, especially depending on the time and emotion you had invested into the relationship, you feel as if you will lose if you walk away at this point. This, I have come to realize, is the reason why so many sad people are stuck with partners that cheat. It probably stems from a deep-seated need to come out ahead, seem better to others than you are, and avoid being labeled as a quitter/failure by your family, and peers. You want to stick it out to prove a point to yourself, that love conquers all and that your cheating partner can change for the better, so you see at the end of the day, most reasons for staying are actually completely wrong.
Greedy For Punishment?
So let’s say at this point you’ve proven your suspicion somehow and ascertained beyond reasonable doubt that your partner is not true to you, or that they don’t exactly love you, or they’re just slimy hairballs of a manipulative sociopathic mess who will do more harm to you in the end, but yet you hang on for dear life.
Why do we do this? It’s almost as though we can see the dark despair in this person’s future but we don’t want them to self-destruct alone, so we follow them blindly on a kind of suicide mission. Despite the constant headaches we get when they are out of our sight because they could very well be up to their usual cheaty ways, we are so happy when they get back to us that we can’t help but giggle like kids, make them their best meal, shower them with gifts, love, and affection, and pamper them like royalty, in a useless attempt at keeping them tethered.
Let us also assume, for the sake of continuity and in line with the title ‘suspicion’, that you did find some damning clues, but never got to the bottom of it and the way things stand, you could just be paranoid and have the bad fortune of landing on irrefutable evidence, or your partner could be unlucky as hell and the victim of circumstances.
The Beginning Of The End
And so it goes; every time when they are out of your sight you bite your nails and die a little when you call and they don’t respond. You have an overwhelming urge to go through their phone to make sure they are not hiding things and talking to randoms behind your back. The seed of suspicion has taken root and it’s flowers are beginning to blossom big and bright.
Every word they say to you has a deeper meaning and nothing at all can be left to chance. ‘will she love me more and act better towards me if I get more money?’ ‘will he act right and never cheat if his food is always warm when he gets home?’ ‘will she respect me more and stop putting me down if I change the way I talk, and how I see things?’ ‘will he treat me better and not ignore me if I dress differently?’ And so on and so forth, questions without answers and a life without peace.
So why are you still there? No peace of mind, no happiness, no joy, and definitely no royal treatment. Just pain, misery, agony, anger, and enough stress to give the whole of Asia electricity.
The best solution that I can think of right now to when suspicion becomes a staple in your relationship with good reason, such as previous shenanigans, is to walk the hell away. Do it now, because the longer you stay the harder it gets to leave, and you will be grieving for decades to come, lamenting on how things might have been different if you had left. I know it sounds terrible, but hindsight as they say is 20/20, and in the past I have lived that regret long enough to know just how hard it bites in the end.
So my hack is really not a hack in the end (more of a hack saw….. I’m funny, eh? lmao) but the only solution that I can see to work, especially for my similarly paranoid minded friends out there.
There is, though, an actual solution, and I am going to detail it out below- but beware, it will call for elbow grease in large quantities…..
The Solution, Should You Stay
So these steps are for when you are just paranoid because you’ve been hurt before (totally justified btw), and there is no solid and actionable evidence that anything else is the matter besides your unhealthy and over active imagination.
Here’s a few ways in which you can stem suspicion that has already taken root in your relationship, and save it from damnation:
1-Have an open-door policy on everything in your relationship. If it’s passcodes, share them, and if it’s online activity, do not go incognito because, well, what are you even hiding in the first place?
2-Avoid the habits that bred the suspicion in the first place. Staying out until four a.m. every two-to-three days and drinking with unsavoury characters that are all in active stages of cheating and other such silly behaviors is a definite no. Remember, birds of a feather…..
3-As the suspect, do not aggravate your partner’s need for almost constant reassurance that things are fine. If they want to call you every ten minutes ‘because they missed you’ just go along with it; it helps keep them in the loop and althoug it is obvious they are spying on you then it shouldn’t really bother you if you’re not hiding anything. Let them take their time to build their trust and guide them gently; making them understand that it’s ok to live a little and lengthen your tether gently.
I honestly think that this is a small price to pay if it’s for someone you truly love, and not for this macho generation that thinks everything is a point to prove to heaven knows who. If you feel it’s tiring you out, just save them and yourself the hassle and walk away because you don’t love them enough.
4-As the suspicious partner, cut your suspect some slack. This is because if they are willing to change, then they often need your support and not constant reminding and being dogged about how they ‘slipped up’. They may even be totally in the clear but you have some issues you need to work on so don’t push away your potential soul-mate just because you can’t curb your enthusiasm and break their resolve with distrust and constant suspicion.
5-Understand that it will take more work to fix things than it did to break them, obviously. If you think that it will be a downhill stroll just because you have both decided to give it a go, you are very wrong and those are unrealistic expectations that serve no real good. Everything good takes a lot of work, and sometimes even a saint may be thought to be a thief. Prepare yourself mentally to work through things as a mature adult who was trusted by their parents to feed pick out their own outfit because otherwise, you risk hurting yourself and an innocent individual in the process.
6-Redraw the lines. You will need to rewrite the rules of engagement for your relationship as it will need a fresh and stronger foundation if it is to have a chance. A blank slate on which fresh mistakes will not be contaminated with sentiments from past fights and disagreements. This is the hardest step, and if you can afford it, see a therapist or something to help you with this one because unless you can learn to forget once you forgive, your relationship is hanging by a thread and is more or less a waste of time as sooner rather than later that thread will snap.
Often, women have the hardest time with forgetting, while men have the hardest time with setting a good standard of patient love and so if the two of you are too egotistical to see and help fix each other’s weaknesses, then you have little in the way of luck.
7-Be ready to walk away if no solutions solve the issue. Sometimes the best captain on the seas just cannot steer a sinking ship to salvation. And I’m pretty sure you’re not even a captain in the first place haha. If you are, though, I’m really jealous of you, but I digress…… If you try everything you know and then some, but you still cannot get your partner to trust you or you them, then what is the point? And I’m talking everything here; talking to each other, changing habits and mind-sets, seeing guidance counsellors, mentors, the works.
8-It may take longer to fix than you expect. So factor this in and understand that generally, if it feels right, then it is right and vice versa. Just don’t overly rely on your feelings as sometimes they are subject to other factors like emotions, past overshadowing, your personality type etc; use all your senses to see, hear, smell, etc.
Do not give it a short time limit within which to work; but rather go with the flow and understand that each relationship is as unique as a fingerprint so what works for one couple may not work for you. You both need to learn to be discerning in nature so you can really see beyond the obvious, and know whether you have to adjust something and in which direction to adjust.
This is all I had today, and of course I send nothing but good vibes your way even if it doesn’t quite sound like it, just trust me, and until next time, keep it foxxy!!