Catch my last post over here about my *lofty* description of the man that will never cheat before diving into my analysis of misogyny vs bad manners. Of late, the online community has been abuzz with talks of misogynistic this and toxic that, but maybe they are just a low grade human being, how about that? Every second I see someone post about toxic people, toxic masculinity specifically(because we do love masculinity but only if it is first sanitized lol), toxic relationships, toxic everything and that’s a good job of classification. Sometimes though, it’s not really toxicity, you may just be dealing with a shitty human leftover who was raised by farm animals in human skin; I should say wolves but wolves are cool now, and what I imply is anything but cool.
So anyway, let’s analyze some of the habits that qualify to be labelled as toxicity, and some that are just bad manners, and attempt to clean up this term ‘toxicity’ 😉 I know, I rock, now settle down 😏 hehe.
1-Gaslighting. This one is top of the list because at first it seems o so innocent and unintended but the horror lies in its depths. I wrote about it *here and *here but the basic definition of gaslighting someone is lying to them and putting their minds through a strenuous cycle of making them believe they are going insane; for instance moving things around the house then claiming you had nothing at all to do with it.
It seems harmless and maybe even a bit hilarious but this practical joke, when carried on long enough, makes you begin to doubt your reality and to be unsure of pretty much anything, in which event the gaslighter can then do whatever he/she wants freely and they just have to tell you it wasn’t as you thought it was an you will believe them, because you’re losing your grasp on reality and they are the ones keeping you grounded- another lie, as they want you on the shakiest ground possible.
This is therefore definitely a toxic trait because it involves getting into your mind and messing your shit up to the extent you feel as if you’re going mad.
2-Financial Enslavement. This one is more straightforward I believe, as I wrote *here. It involves taking control of your partner’s finances to the point that if they need to buy some chewing gum from the shop, they basically have to go through you. This is toxic because most victims of abuse stay glued to their abusers from an actual financial inability to leave as they cannot stand on their own- the abuser is their sole provider and so they have to play by the rules.
Think of all the headlines you’ve seen or heard of women beaten to death or maimed for life after getting back with a known abusive asshole, and all the people asking rather thoughtlessly ‘why didn’t she just leave?’ Its because she couldn’t.
And you still wonder why female empowerment is such a big deal and the worst thing to most of those ‘macho men’ out there, who are actually just abusers. They know that they cannot beat the crap out of a woman that they have neither broken down mentally nor hold a financial noose around their necks and so they come up with nonsense such as ‘rich women are un-marriagable and hard headed and very temperamental as well as abusive’. In actuality, they are describing their ideal positions and behaviors in a relationship with a woman who is, in their choice of words, ‘submissive’.
3-Verbal, Mental, and Physical Abuse. This here is a a clear winner with misogyny vs bad manners, and I will say it to you now that no form of abuse is lesser than the other so leave people be, and don’t be insensitive shits asking why someone left yet she was never actually beaten. She may have been tortured mentally to the point her brain could barely function and peace of mind was a rumor to her. She may have been verbally abused and insulted with every unprintable word out there til her esteem took a dive and she got broken.
Finally she may have been beaten one too many times and literally was in fear for her life, which most people will rally behind because they can see scars and they have some kind of rabid fixation with blood. Whichever way abuse goes, no form or degree of it has any place in a relationship, because someone who loves you will not simultaneously put you through hell. It is either one, or the other, because love should not hurt.
4-Inability to empathize. Look into his eyes; deep into his eyes, and tell me what you see. Is there a reflection of your sorrow or your joy, or is it just empty, glassy, darkness? When you are crying from having gone through a terrible experience does he hold you and make you feel okay, at least a little bit, or does he give some form of physical contact because that is what is expected and there is a small chance that this scenario might lead to him getting some? I know how ‘hopelessly romantic’ this sounds, but it really is the little things that count and so if he is unable to share physical affection that does not necessarily point towards sex then there might be something amiss. He probably sees you as an object to cater to his desires, and not as an equal human being. This inability to feel deeply for another’s loss or grief may be a sign of narcissism, which is a whole other kettle of fish….
5-No respect for boundaries. If he always has a hard time understanding or respecting that there are some things you will just not tolerate, he is toxic as hell. No one likes having their buttons pushed, especially by a significant other, and so if you are always finding yourself getting angry because you have to explain why this or that cannot work for you for the fiftieth time, it is intentional and a terrible thing that an individual who does not give a crap about his partner will keep doing just so he can get his way, which is ultimately the only thing that matters to him.
6-Emotionally draining. If you find yourself feeling completely worn out emotionally after an encounter with them.,they are most likely narcissistic soul vampires, who will always be getting on your last nerve – intentionally, simply because they love the emotional display. These individuals will take away your sanity and peace of mind for their own twisted entertainment so it is best to get away the second you realize that you are involved with one.
7-Controlling. If he has a burning need to control everything about you- from the clothes you wear to the friends you interact with to the way you walk and details of everything you do, this is a toxic individual who like I mentioned above, views you as an inanimate object to be taken apart and put back together in a way that is pleasing to him only as nothing else really matters to him; not even your individuality.
8-Jealous. As much as jealousy to some degree is endearing, it is toxic past a certain point and so if he flies into an uncontrollable rage any time you get as much as a greeting from a party he sees as competition, be careful because this will most often cycle down to violence and baseless accusations of infidelity, which are most likely mirrored from him.
9-Love playing the victim. Life sucks for pretty much everyone at some point or other, but if he is always gloomy because ‘everyone is against him’ and ‘nothing ever goes his way, boo hoo’, then this is a sick man who wants to evoke sympathy therefore have the upper hand in manipulating those close to him and getting to use them with no remorse whatsoever. Be wary of people to whom apparently nothing good ever happens to because even if it really is true and everything he touches falls apart, why would you want to be involved with a cursed being. lol
10-Double standards all the way. So it’s okay if he flirts with everything that has a pulse and some teeth in its mouth, but don’t you dare do it because it’s ‘unladylike’ and ‘society will frown upon you’ and ‘you may not know where to draw the line’ etc etc. Things are somehow always justifiable when done by him but totally unacceptable if you are the perpetrator. This application of double standards is just another tool for control in their arsenal, and they will use it to make sure that you are always attached to their strings so they can jerk you around whichever way they want to.
REGULAR BAD MANNERS
1-Laziness. If he cannot clean up after himself, wash his own damn space and clothes even while living alone, cook a simple meal whenever you are too sick to do so and other such ‘womanly’ duties, he is just a lazy piece of dog poo that wants to hide behind ‘traditions’ so he doesn’t have to do those otherwise boring chores. If he firmly believes that a woman’s place is in the kitchen and that a man is emasculated the second he steps foot in there, then he should simply live with his mother so he can further whatever he learnt there and she will never tire of cooking for her darling son.
2-Being a stickler for the rules society has set. So he believes that no man should step foot in his house before midnight, and women should not take any alcohol, and the man is the head of the household so his word should be unopposed and final etc? He’s probably just a bit immature and wants to hang out with his boys every night while making eyes and conversation with women who are in the bar with him, taking alcohol that he probably paid for. So okay, alcohol is for loose women and not for wives and mothers, but what if those wives and mothers want to spend time with their husbands as well? I suspect that he just does not want you going out because of the nonsense that he gets up to while out: it makes him insecure and he believes that you will also do all that shit he does and he cannot stand that at all…….. So stay in the house and cook and clean and avoid gossip, social media, too much tv, or idling as only men are allowed outside past sunset and not with their spouses.
3-Cheating. I am aware that there are those who will want to say this is toxic and they are correct, to a point at least, if the individual in question has some mental issue that predisposes them to cheating like narcissism. Otherwise, I place it under bad manners because most of the time it is simply a case of impulse control, and cheats, to me, are on the same level as rapists because like I said, impulse control. If you cannot understand that cheating hurts the one that you claim to love and stop doing it then what is there to stop you molesting kids, members of the opposite gender, or even unassuming farm animals? So if he believes that it’s the way things are and will always be and all men are like that and something is wrong with those who do not cheat, he’s just an ill-mannered piece of waste.
4-Rudeness. If he is rude to you, your friends and family, waiters and waitresses, and even strangers at the supermarket, he is not toxic but just bad mannered either because he grew up and taught himself a new set of rules to live by or his parents never took the time to teach him some basic manners, most probably attributing straight-up shitty behavior to ‘boys will be boys’. Whichever the case, rudeness in an adult is always shameful and a bit embarrassing so keep your distance to avoid being mistreated by a self-proclaimed ‘rude boy’.
5-Disrespect. Whether he lacks respect for those he sees as ‘lesser’ than him, co-workers, children, the elderly, animals, or his parents, it is not a sign of failed machismo but just plain bad manners because let’s face it; our parents (mostly, I assume) taught us to respect the elderly, and as we grew older and started charting our own territories, we made up some new rules and changed some old ones, and learning to be accommodating to those around us was invariably one of those old ones changed. We ought to have realized that in order to be respected, we need to respect ourselves then others, and it will come back to us so in this question of misogyny vs bad manners, this is simply a case of the latter.
6-Loudness. If he has to speak over everybody else and make sure his opinion is heard and his voice is the final one, this is a case of ill manners and not being a ‘manly man’ or anything else. Any sensible adult should know that everyone else is entitled to their opinion no matter how radical or bizarre it seems so there is really no need to yell and shout your disapproval or opposing point.
7-Ingratitude. Refusing to show any kind of emotion or softness is not a sign of toxicity or misogyny or anything to do with patriarchy in any way at all but just ill manners. If he will never say thank you or express gratitude for receiving a gift no matter how small and insignificant it may be to him, the entitlement he has is bred from being inconsiderate and thoughtless and these are attributes that any gender can suffer from, so there.
8-Bad table manners. Chewing loudly, making strange sounds to remove bits of food stuck to his teeth, eating way past his capacity so he gets sick afterwards, or consuming things he has a bad reaction to just because they are presented to him and suddenly ‘it’s rude to refuse food’ are all cases of terrible manners in general so being a man does not excuse him at all. Likewise, clearing his plate at lightning speed then going for seconds then thirds as if he is a teen in some eating competition with his peers is gluttony and has no justification.
9-Addiction to social media. If you feel all alone even when he is right next to you because he is glued to one of his numerous screens which he never puts down is bad manners. I’m not even sure whether this point needs to be written about here but apparently there are real living folks out there who need to hear it said. Just because you bought a brand new fancy phone or something or are some kind of social media ‘influencer’ does not give you the right to ignore the real people sitting right next to you; they probably put aside other things that they would be doing in order to spend time with you so at least appreciate that.
10-Selfishness. If all he does when he comes over to your place to visit is put his feet up and wait for you to turn into his mother and pamper him, then later become his lover (some men have an easy time changing people’s roles as they see it fit) and tend to his desires because well women all just love to multitask and it’s an ability we all have then he’s poorly mannered. Add to this the fact that he probably came over empty handed ‘because he couldn’t think of something you would like and women tend to be hard to please’, the issue gets compounded. Most men, though, have the super power to be as oblivious as frogs to their environment and the needs of those around them so to be fair try and show him the way to be at first but if he does not catch on, he has no intention to drop the selfishness and will be like that to the bitter end.
goes my attempt at clearing up the confusion with misogyny vs bad manners, and if you think I did a good job then go ahead and subscribe, and let me
know what you think in the comments and until next time, stay foxxy as ever!!