The biohazard warning is very necessary in this case, because I am about to tell you about an extremely toxic character that you may encounter in a relationship and I do hope this warning will not go ignored.
Emotional manipulation is what a narcissist does, and it is extremely draining to the recipient who becomes disoriented in life and most of the time loses faith in love and in humanity if they finally get out of this situation.
Following below are the signs that you should look out for to be sure that you do not end up with a narcissist; and keep in mind that someone may tick one or two, but the more signs that they have then the more likely and the worse of a narcissist they are, so all the best in dealing with them…
They Isolate You From Family And Friends
If whenever you want to visit or call a friend or family to catch up and maybe find out how they are doing it becomes reason for a fight or a sulk, then watch out. The narcissist will not want you to be happy in your comfortable circle of friends but will want you to only rely on them alone, make them your world so to speak.
They know that your family and friends have the special sight that is afforded by being objective and so will spot things that you will not, early warning signs per se. So if it is always an issue when you need some time with your people then pay close attention before you get drawn in into the unrelenting misery of being with a narcissist.
They Give You The Silent Treatment
You have barely any idea that you have done something wrong, or you know that you have, but did not know it was this bad, yet he will keep himself busy on his phone/laptop/tv whatever and act as if you don’t exist. You ask questions and get no response and eventually you get tired of this crap and just apologize so it can end. The narcissist will keep doing this until it becomes a habit for you to apologize when he goes silent, even when he is the one on the wrong and your ‘crime’ is pointing this out…
They Are Always The Victim
The narcissist will always find a way to get into the victim mode; they cheat, and it’s because you were ignoring them or they were frustrated or their mother looked at them wrong when they were a toddler.
Anything works,and they never get tired of it, a working example is how I saw an incriminating text on my boyfriend’s phone the other day, and his response when he realized I was not taking silence was that I always look for trouble and as I wanted to know who he was talking to, he refused to say because ‘regardless of what he said or didn’t say I would be mad’.
He implied there was a reasonable and acceptable explanation for this but he wasn’t giving it to me because I wanted to get mad and so I would do so no matter what he told me, and he stuck to that despite it not earning him the sympathy he wanted from me.
The narcissist will always try to find a way to make you think their bad behavior is a result of third parties, most often you, so be wary of this.
They Project Their Shortcomings Onto You
I have a lot of working examples on this narcissist behavior so here is one from as recently as yesterday; a conversation we had after meeting with a client:
I asked him “so how did the meeting go?” because I had been outside while they talked.
Sulking, he responded “he is complicated, and I had told you to put a flat roof on that drawing”
I was extremely taken aback because I remembered him expressly saying the client had decided on the pitched roof, and despite my having provided a version with the flat roof, he told me to make it pitched so I told him it would take me at least a day to complete and he said he would revert to the client. At the final moment before the work was printed, I asked him to look at it, and he suggested that I change the orientation of the roof on the page as it seemed a bit squeezed where I placed it, but I told him there was no point for that as I needed the space to put in a site plan and septic details, so he said ok and actually printed them himself.
Now I hope you can understand the disbelief I was in when he blamed me for the client getting mad at him and accused me of not following his instruction to put a flat roof in as the client wanted when he had told me otherwise.
Needless to say we had a really big fight after that but he stuck to his guns. This is therefore a landmark behavior of the narcissist, and he will employ it often because he feels that sh*t can’t stick on him.
They Give You Lip Service
“Hey will you fix the bathroom light as the guests will arrive in the afternoon?”
“… will you fix the bathroom light before the guests arrive?”
“I said I will” and he returns to whatever he was doing, never giving you a single glance.
The narcissist will give you this kind of lip service for pretty much everything you ask of him, and act as though he’s a sulky teenager being forced to do something and when you make the mistake of asking why he does this he will either sulk some more, or accuse you of using ‘the wrong tone to ask’, which is what my resident narcissist does.
They Are Extremely Competitive
So you are good at something? He will try to beat you at it or point out the errors in the way you do it so you geel you are not so good at it after all. If you write, he will pick it up as a hobby to show you he can be good at it and if you draw well, he will tell you of all the awesome drawings he has done over time. This competetive streak will be of abnormal levels and he will aways end up making you see that whatever you can do, he can also do, and probably be better at it than you are.
Their Exes Are Always One Bad Thing Or The Other
They broke up with their ex because he/she was too clingy, or they never carried their weight in the relationship, or they had mommy/daddy issues, always something or the other, but it was never ever their fault because they are perfect, and they will accuse you of feeling perfect or expecting them to be perfect when you have a fight with them over their mental issues so there is no winning here.
You Are Never Good Enough For Them
You cooked steak for them? It’s ok but they feel it is a bit too salty, and that cake you baked is ever so slightly undercooked. You do not clean up well after yourself (even if the environment they grew up in says their OCD is a mere myth) and you are not such a great mom to your kids because you often lose patience with them.
When you get sick of this and ask them whether they want to give it a hand and maybe show you by example how to do it best or at least give you a hand so you are better at it, they will hastily respond that it is not their responsibility and you should know how to be good all by yourself like other people.
They diminish your worth of self and work really hard at making you loathe yourself so you feel as if they are really good to you despite their mental torture of you, and imply that they are doing tou a great big favor by letting you stay on with them.
They Punish You For Defying Them
If they ask for bread and you deliver sconce, they will sulk, give you silence and lip service and generally be a headache, getting you to work overtime at trying to ensure they get back ok and you lift their spirits, and this applies to just about anything.
If for instance he asks to get intimate in a certain way and for some reason you don’t want that or you can’t, he will give a loathsome performance then accuse you of never meeting his needs. Remember that it is never about you but them; you are in his life solely to prop him and make things easier for him so do this or face his psychological warfare.
They Try Turning You Against Others
‘So and so said this about you’, or ‘your friend doesn’t really think you are ok, she let it slip a while ago’, or even ‘your sister doesn’t like that dress you wore to her wedding, she just says it to fool you’ and so on and so forth.
This tool is employed by the narcissist so that the rare and random acts of kindness that he gives you seem true, and make him look less of a monster than he is and he keeps you hooked because if you have no one else to turn to, who are you going to believe is after your best interests but him?
They Expect Of You What They Just Can’t/Won’t Do
They want you to keep the house spick and span but they refuse to clean up after themselves even when that is all they have to do. They want you to take care of the kids, clean them, feed them, and entertain them but they will do this for mere minutes before they call for you to take them back. There are countless instances of this but the payoff is the same; you must be great at everything, but they cannot and should not be expected to do/be the same, as my resident narcissist puts it; “I am just trying to make you into a better version of you as I want the best for you in life”.