With the kids, the dog, and my nonexistent online fan base.
Wow why don’t I have some really rich friends to throw me surprise parties and gift me the latest Mercedes *sigh* Anyway it was a rather lonely affair, similar to my 29th which was just as lonely, but one toddler less. My 28th had the highlight of my first kid walking by himself, and with this track record I can honestly understand why children are said to take over most women’s lives; I can’t remember any excitement that did not involve them since I got them, not even when it was a moment that was supposed to be about me haha.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not miserably surprised by this turn of events as I had imagined it may come to pass and have seen it happen to others, I just never knew the dynamics it involved before I came into them myself. In this internet age we live in where you run a constant risk of being labelled a narcissist (like I wrote about them here), a gold-digger, or both and a whole lot more. It has become a bit difficult to speak your mind or write objectively, but I give it a go anyway… So read on if you want to know how I spent my 30th birthday, and the 31st one, and since I’ve pretty much summed it up in the previous sentences (poor writing, just handing over the whole plot in the first line) it follows reason that this will be a musing of sorts; enjoy!
Yin Vs Yang
Exactly a year ago today, I sat down to write this post. I came up with the two paragraphs above then got stuck (in misery and denial). For some reason or other, I was never able to finish it and send it online, but now I am (for some reason or other). So here goes, and you are free to feel whatever you want to feel about this information 😉
Last year, I was alone and exhausted because I had no nanny at the time. Lonely because there was only so much conversation you can have with toddlers. Sad because I was always the person with a calendar reminder and gift tucked away for everybody’s birthday, yet only my bank and mobile phone service providers wished me a happy one. My brother did often start off the day with a great text, way before even the apps, and this always made the day so much more to say the truth and I can’t leave that out.
Anyway, I wondered how it had come to this, wasn’t marriage a blissful bed of roses on which- even with the random thorns here and there- was mostly nice? Because this didn’t feel nice. No steady income, no one to make me a nice breakfast in bed, nothing at all to look forward to in a day that was supposed to be a pretty big deal, or at least a medium sized one. I was determined to make the best of this day, so I took some of my bead work and took pictures for marketing it online (and they were pretty good pictures so there’s that).
I made a cake, shared it with the kids, watched the sun set, welcomed the inevitable darkness in, and could not resist the urge to send a Whats-app status wishing myself a happy birthday. At this point, guilt ridden friends sent a belated wish or two on the post, and sadly this warmed my heart up some. Sadly because by the time you are wishing yourself a happy birthday on your own status, it’s anything but a happy one.
When I heard the knock at the door in the evening, I went with mixed emotions because I didn’t know if there was a surprise for me, or surprisingly no surprise lol. What was there was a plot twist, because instead of handing me a random piece of cake or chocolate and wishing me a happy birthday while there was still time, he was mad at me. So I spent the rest of this sad birthday trying to find out why he was mad because he saw my status, keeping the kids in order, and wondering how much more of this I could take. Apparently there was a few months more left in me, but that’s a story for another day.
So there it was, not the surprise I wanted but maybe the surprise that I needed, because it opened my eyes, and calcified me that much more. I did use the pictures, and got some good results with them, so at least that was good about that birthday, and despite the fact that there was no chocolate or nice dinner the next day, or the next week, or even the next month, I lived to tell the story and see the next birthday.
Here we are today, and wow how much difference a year can make. I woke up to the usual birthday wishes from my service providers, and a few minutes later got a call from a good friend and her family all wishing me a great one and I have to say that just started the day right. I got a surprise visitor with some cake and my babies randomly kept telling me they really loved me and sprinkling hugs and kisses here and there. I didn’t know what I had done to deserve all this niceness for real. I got a response to a writing job I had sent an application; it got accepted and I was paid the down payment to start.
Outside in the garden, one of the sunflowers I had planted had grown pretty big almost overnight and this made me
even happier. I got a message on twitter from someone I had never talked to before telling me they liked my blog and thought I was a great writer, and this played a big role in getting this blog post completed today because I realized I was probably doing something right. That night as I was going to bed, I was exhausted but calm, happy and satisfied. Grateful for the day that was, and all the others that were to come.
I cannot figure out why the difference in just one year, but it is definitely welcome. And honestly given how everything is going to hell this year (or it’s probably already there, I don’t know) I’m surprised it has been so nice to me. I have a small full time job; not much, but given that I don’t have to leave the house to do it makes me glad. For some reason I have so much more joy in my heart that is not exactly proportionate to the things that have changed and I would not have it any other way.
It’s just so strange how much relief can come from a moment of excruciating pain, but I would definitely recommend it. The wisdom I’ve developed now that it is expected of me is this: if something is causing you pain and misery, get rid of it no matter how much it hurts to pull that band aid off. Just grit your teeth and do it, and change your point of view. You will be so glad you did it I promise you. And what’s more, the universe will recognize that you’re now ready for niceness, and it will send those nice waves your way (I am serious).
I’ll be back again soon this time I hope, and until then, help yourself to love and light, because no one is going to hand it to you – just snatch it and run!
Keep it foxxy my lovelies!!