Welcome back! Last time I wrote about some random shenanigans I had gotten up to over here on ‘side-dish chronicles’ because it occurred to me that while I have received some hard-core selfishness, I’ve also dished some out myself. So, what do you do when you fall hard for that perfect human being, only to find out too late that he’s the stuff that nightmares are made of, or she’s the monster you prayed never to encounter? A selfish boyfriend/girlfriend can give you a wake-up call from the slumber of falling in love and while this is tragic indeed, there may be help for you yet.
The problem gets compounded when their parents (mothers, especially) will pretend to weep with you when you try talking to them of your marital woes, only to backbite you when you’re out of site. Needless to say, you’re too broke to leave this toxic situation, or you had kids with this monster and now a terrible situation is just that much worse because you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. Now, what do you do?
At this point, I should probably elaborate that by selfishness, I mean putting their needs before you each time, and not paying much regard to you and what you want/need. A selfish boyfriend/girlfriend acts as though they are alone in the relationship and cut you out of decisions and you are basically two individuals who should be close but are living as acquaintances.
This is not by any means a fool-proof therapy/advice post, but the straws that I had to grab at not to drown in the noxious fumes that were my relationship with a very selfish individual in my college days. I hope you do get a way to reach some dry land fast, before you lose yourself forever. Read on, and do not hesitate to leave a comment on what you think could help, if I haven’t mentioned it. Here are the eight things to do when your boyfriend or girlfriend is a selfish piece of work….

1-Talk with your selfish boyfriend/girlfriend and let them know how you feel

As with everything else in a relationship, communication should always be the first resort. While you probably learnt or were taught how to act right early in life, some unfortunate individuals do not have the same luck. They may not have had anyone to show them how they should be, or they may actually innocently be obnoxious and immature from not being in an intimate relationship before. Before you throw in the towel and leave, sit them down and talk deeply with them, letting them know that it’s making the relationship unbearable when they are like that, and if they do agree that they see the problem and decode to change, be sure to teach them how to be, and be patient with them while they learn. Chances are that their family and friends will also notice the improvement, and who does not want to be seen as a worthwhile addition to somebodies’ life by their close ones?

2-Always try to look your best

So this may seem very materialistic and pointlessly vain, but looking good has actually been linked to feeling better so you should not let a bad relationship stifle your fashion sense. Wear nice clothes that fit well, apply some make up of you want to, and use some perfume to lift your spirits. A selfish boyfriend/girlfriend can literally drain you dry, so understand that your main purpose in life was not to be loved or to love this person you ended up with: any relationship takes two to tangle so if they value it they should pick up their slack and keep up with your efforts, otherwise, it is up to them if they want to fall by the wayside and try to manipulate some feelings out of you.

3-Don’t always dance to the tune of their manipulation

Over time, people who live together grow accustomed to the others’ ways, thoughts, and preferences, and it is in the best interest of the relationship that they avoid pushing each other’s buttons and just be a nice person in general. For instance, they do not stay out late until you call, then pretend that they were waiting for your call to see if you still care about them, yet when you always call them when they’re late they start saying you’re stifling them, making them feel trapped etc. In such a case, do not get angry, which is exactly what they are banking on, because anger shows them you love them still and their actions hold power over you and so they push you to see if you still love them. This is because manipulation rarely works when there’s no love or some other such factor. If you are in a relationship with someone that manipulates and gas lights you, seek the nearest exit because this is a slow grinder at the end of the day, and by the time you try leaving you will have become a shadow of your former self.

4-Do not forget who you are

A toxic partner will work very hard on trimming your wings;they will rain on your parade and show you faults in everything you do so that you lose your self esteem and become a slave to them then this way they can control you forever; knocking you down each time they need a dose of false power (which they need very often). Keep your family and friends close, have your hobbies and interests intact, and work on getting the most from time spent by yourself. While this is a rather hard task, it is doable, and believe me the peace that you will get when you manage to get in touch with yourself is beyond compare. Be your own individual and never ever forget what you were before you got swallowed by this blackhole you’re living with because in the very probable event that you need to sever ties, this will make it that much easier.

5-Set your limits, and stick to them with your life

This is because at the end of the day, this is what will save you from extreme manipulation and even physical violence, and worse. Know what you will allow and what you will not, and have consequences for when the lines get crossed, otherwise you will be sliding down a hopelessly slippery slope of relationship doom. From little things like the language that you will let pass in the house (if there are kids around, especially), to the time they should be at home (obviously considering what they do during the day and for a living; be sensible and civil). Leave nothing to chance because they often start testing you little by little and once they have sunk their claws into you, they won’t let go until you’re dead, probably by your own hand because these types tend to be too passive aggressive to get into physically ending someone’s life though this is by no means true for all of them so take care out there. Okay, so I’ve heard it whispered I’m paranoid sometimes…… Still, take care.

6-Have an exit plan

Because no matter your best intentions, things may not always work out. Whether this will be running to a friend’s or even your parent’s place, have them know well in advance that in the event things ever get to a certain point of no turning back you will need them at a moments notice as this may be the lifeline you need. Also, it keeps your mind alive when you have other people to speak to, that aren’t necessarily toxic, as I have found that mental toxicity seeks itself out and so chances are very high that a toxic partner will have quite a few friends with the same psycho-social traits so also, pick your own friends far outside of his/her circles.

7-Always be ready for anything

Because a selfish partner will always want to keep you on your toes and walking on eggshells all day, every day because I think that they really enjoy the drama, but lie to themselves and everybody else that they don’t. Most of the time a selfish boyfriend/girlfriend will want to make sure that the two of you are on a good note before they flip the switch on you and start acting like they’re possessed, so that you invariably get into a fight with them. As much as this sounds a bit strange, I have seen it with my own two (or four, if you want) eyes, so believe me when I say that this sick individual can send you a sweet lovely text at midday, then arrive home at 6p.m. angry as hell and when you try to find out why or help, they make sure that they take it all out on you then when you’re angry and confused, they snore away, drifting happily off to sleep.

8-Never rationalize their bad behavior

Nor make excuses for actions that they take, especially physically against you, as this is the way the cookie crumbles, and once you have learnt to make sense out of each and every one of their tantrums, the abuse they mete out to you will steadily increase until you get to the breaking point. Obviously you should not let anyone do this to you, it’s bad for the spirit and stuff. Put your foot down and let them know that they have to own up to their actions, and that you are not their plaything on which they can take out their frustrations at being a broken individual. Once you roll over and play dead, they will poke and prode until they find what makes you tick, them use that against you so as to watch you self-destruct while they stand a safe distance away, watching the work of their hands from far enough away to avoid catching any blame.
A final note is that though people do change, it is rarely for the better, and so if you start to notice the signs of our times and seeing the red flags, start packing your essentials and planning to leave because things literally change at the snap of a finger and you may wake up one morning to no signs of trouble but end up in the emergency room for any of a multitude of reasons come evening, so once again, take care my dears!
XO